"something will turn up, always has, always will” (Blog of Advocate Pritish Sirkar)

Posts tagged ‘Story’

The Hero Can’t be Saved (Excerpt Two)

You can never learn to play the guitar Parth. You’re just too mechanical with it. Just like a robot”, laughed Vinayak while smoking the half-finished joint that Parth had been smoking before he walked into Parth’s room in the hostel. Vinayak was a nineteen year old boy with curly, thick hair and with dark, unrevealing but expressive eyes. He was not a boy of many words. He had friends but always stayed reserved. He would joke sometimes, sometimes he would laugh but Parth never saw him having a personal conversation with anyone or revealing things about his personal life. Sometimes Parth wondered if anyone knew what he really was. Maybe Parth himself did not know what he was.

Vinayak was a year younger than Parth and a year junior to him in law school and in spite of Vinayak fitting perfectly into the definition of an intelligent, introvert person, there was something about his personality which drew people near him. Nevertheless, his reserved attitude, in most cases, distanced anybody who tried to be a close friend. Even though a year younger than Parth, he seemed much more matured. To most people in law school, he appeared to be a no-nonsense kind of a guy. Parth knew Vinayak was an introvert who had somehow opened up to him. Vinayak was not Parth’s best friend.  Parth did not even like him when he first met him and sometimes Parth wondered if Vinayak was even his friend but with time they had become good friends and Parth called him Vinny.

Every conversation they ever had was remarkably fascinating even when there were very few things which Parth and Vinny could talk about. They shared a passion for music. They would talk about music endlessly. Vinny was learning to play the guitar and he was learning very fast while Parth had tried so many times and given up so many times already. Every time Vinny brought his guitar to Parth’s room, Parth would give playing it a shot but Vinny would always say, “You have to feel it. Try strumming the guitar in a flow and identify the beats in the song”. Parth had been trying to play the guitar for over a year now but could only learn four chords while Vinny already knew many after his few months of dedicated practice.

Apart from music, Parth and Vinny would talk endlessly about Vinny’s longtime girlfriend and the two girls from the law school itself who Parth had dated briefly in his fresher year and the second year respectively. Vinny would talk about his girlfriend quite a lot. He would tell Parth how much he loved her and the things he would do for her, some of which Parth understood and some of which he did not. Parth had never seen Vinny talk about his girlfriend so much in front of anyone else. Parth did feel privileged sometimes because of this fact. It was then that Parth realized that Vinny was a good friend and probably his only friend with whom he could have a real conversation about anything.

When Parth got to know that Vinny was dead, it was a huge shock for him.  Vinny had called Parth a day before he killed himself asking for some consultation but Parth was too busy doing something which seemed very significant then but he did not even remember what it was after Vinny ’s death. ‘Vinny, I’ll call you in a couple of hours, I am busy doing something right now. Don’t worry all shall be well.’ Parth had said. Those couple of hours never came to an end and Parth had indeed forgotten to call his friend. Two days later Parth got to know that he’s dead. Parth did blame himself for not giving his friend a chance to consult him, for ignoring his last call for help. Parth tried to find comfort in the fact that he did not know how grave the problem really was but that did not help and it had to be a life changing episode of his life. Parth knew it was a foolish decision made by Vinny but he was his friend. Parth could probably never get over it and didn’t want to and knew that Vinny ’s family will always be devastated.

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Parth’s Letter to Neha (Excerpt One)

Parth was hurt. As a strong person most of his life, he had learned that he should least care about something which was beyond his help. But he was helpless now and he couldn’t stop thinking about his life, about his family and the girl he loved, about things which never happened, about the desires which were never fulfilled and about his glories of the past forming part of his short career as a lawyer which no longer seemed relevant in the present circumstances. He was a good lawyer he knew. He knew he had the potential but felt powerless to realize it now.

He tried breathing, having read somewhere that deep breaths may help in clearing up the head but he was choking and his heart was aching. Breathing didn’t seem to help. He thought of God and tried to seek refuge in faith. Most of his life he lived with a very strong belief in the existence of God. He was sure God existed but knew he was not being watched or taken care of. He knew God was the creator who made the world and all the living things in it but he also knew all his prayers always remained unheard. He knew that God will not reward him for his finest acts and that he will never be punished for the worst things he had done in his life. He was not a man of faith but he had always been strong and faith was not what made him strong. It was always his confidence and his self-belief which made him move forward in life without complaining. But all seemed to be lost. There was nothing in him which could help him in not feeling miserable. All seemed broken and lost.

As he sat depressed on his table, he began to type a goodbye mail to the girl he truly loved, knowing that this would mean the end. Not knowing if he will have the courage to send it or if he will have the power to live through whatever would follow after the mail was sent. But it had to be done.

“I’m sorry for being dramatic Neha. I shouldn’t have done what I did today. I know things get better with time and I know that very well and I’ll be ok. I know you’re a strong woman and will not worry but I’m just telling you so because I will not write to you again so don’t worry if you do worry about me. I will be fine.

I don’t know what I became today. I’m sorry that I hurt myself and I’m sorry I disturbed you when you should have been sleeping. I know you’d always wake up to talk to me if I needed to and I always did the same but I know and understand things are not the same as before.

Please do not remember me for what I have been for the past one week. I was being very weak and feel embarrassed. Yes, love will come and it will make things better for us both. It’s just a feeling. I know and feel now I never loved you and you never loved me too. It wasn’t working for a while now and we both know that but never said it to each other. Nevertheless, I think we were very special friends. Maybe there is no definition of what we really were. But you were and will always be very, very special in my life and I will never be able to forget you. There will be another me, I am sure.

You could have stayed Neha. I think now when I was trying to call you earlier today, it was more because I was concerned and I’m sorry but it was only because I cared and still do. I’d not have worried and I’d not have disturbed you if you had not cut me off like you did and just given me some more time. I was relieved to hear that you are perfectly fine and feel better now. Like I have said before, you never really gave us a chance to be friends while that is what we really were. That is the only one thing I may ever complain about when I think of you in the future. You have never hurt me before but the way it ended between us, it just left me completely alone and wanting more.

I know you’re much more matured than me and you know how the world works. I have always believed that I was a very strong man but I am not a realist, Neha. I am a dreamer and I always dream while you have a very firm set of beliefs and know it very well how to differentiate between right and wrong. That attribute of yours will serve you well I am sure. I think, with you, I was always trying to be older than what I was and my childish behaviour kept getting exposed like it did today. And that never made me good enough for you.

You say everything happens for a reason. I agree with you. You taught me this sweet Neha. I think I served a purpose in your life and you did in mine. If nothing else, we were with each other when we had no one else and maybe we contributed in each other’s life as a positive influence. I know you feel alone sometimes and that’s the only thing which makes you miserable and it should stop and it will and you’ll never look back.

This letter also helped me. Maybe I needed a proper closure too like you had in your last mail to me and every mail and text I sent to you after that, asking you to talk to me and come back to me just made things more difficult and complicated for me.

Goodbye (I feel bad for disturbing you tonight when you should have been sleeping. But I know you’ll forgive me. Sorry if your head hurts at work tomorrow. I will not disturb you again).

Have the best life.

Love and regards. Parth

PS: I think you were at the lowest point of your life when we started to talk. My purpose in your life was temporary just to make you feel better I think. And please don’t worry about everything so much when I’m not with you. All shall be well. Take care.”

After Parth stopped typing, he waited for a few seconds to decide if the mail really was to be sent. Finally mustering enough courage, he hit the ‘send’ button and closed his eyes. It was almost morning. The soothing morning breeze of September and the melodious chirping of the birds were not comforting him. All he really wanted was complete silence and prolonged darkness of the night. He was not seeking death for himself but he wanted to shut down his mind and not think till he can control his mind again. He wanted to be what he was before everything started to fall apart. He lied down on his bed, uttering to himself, “There should be a fucking switch off button for feelings and thoughts.” After a few minutes, darkness and silence, as he had wanted, followed, and he was fast asleep.

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NOTE: The blog page can be followed here: The Clairvoyant’s Blog | Facebook