Parth was hurt. As a strong person most of his life, he had learned that he should least care about something which was beyond his help. But he was helpless now and he couldn’t stop thinking about his life, about his family and the girl he loved, about things which never happened, about the desires which were never fulfilled and about his glories of the past forming part of his short career as a lawyer which no longer seemed relevant in the present circumstances. He was a good lawyer he knew. He knew he had the potential but felt powerless to realize it now.
He tried breathing, having read somewhere that deep breaths may help in clearing up the head but he was choking and his heart was aching. Breathing didn’t seem to help. He thought of God and tried to seek refuge in faith. Most of his life he lived with a very strong belief in the existence of God. He was sure God existed but knew he was not being watched or taken care of. He knew God was the creator who made the world and all the living things in it but he also knew all his prayers always remained unheard. He knew that God will not reward him for his finest acts and that he will never be punished for the worst things he had done in his life. He was not a man of faith but he had always been strong and faith was not what made him strong. It was always his confidence and his self-belief which made him move forward in life without complaining. But all seemed to be lost. There was nothing in him which could help him in not feeling miserable. All seemed broken and lost.
As he sat depressed on his table, he began to type a goodbye mail to the girl he truly loved, knowing that this would mean the end. Not knowing if he will have the courage to send it or if he will have the power to live through whatever would follow after the mail was sent. But it had to be done.
“I’m sorry for being dramatic Neha. I shouldn’t have done what I did today. I know things get better with time and I know that very well and I’ll be ok. I know you’re a strong woman and will not worry but I’m just telling you so because I will not write to you again so don’t worry if you do worry about me. I will be fine.
I don’t know what I became today. I’m sorry that I hurt myself and I’m sorry I disturbed you when you should have been sleeping. I know you’d always wake up to talk to me if I needed to and I always did the same but I know and understand things are not the same as before.
Please do not remember me for what I have been for the past one week. I was being very weak and feel embarrassed. Yes, love will come and it will make things better for us both. It’s just a feeling. I know and feel now I never loved you and you never loved me too. It wasn’t working for a while now and we both know that but never said it to each other. Nevertheless, I think we were very special friends. Maybe there is no definition of what we really were. But you were and will always be very, very special in my life and I will never be able to forget you. There will be another me, I am sure.
You could have stayed Neha. I think now when I was trying to call you earlier today, it was more because I was concerned and I’m sorry but it was only because I cared and still do. I’d not have worried and I’d not have disturbed you if you had not cut me off like you did and just given me some more time. I was relieved to hear that you are perfectly fine and feel better now. Like I have said before, you never really gave us a chance to be friends while that is what we really were. That is the only one thing I may ever complain about when I think of you in the future. You have never hurt me before but the way it ended between us, it just left me completely alone and wanting more.
I know you’re much more matured than me and you know how the world works. I have always believed that I was a very strong man but I am not a realist, Neha. I am a dreamer and I always dream while you have a very firm set of beliefs and know it very well how to differentiate between right and wrong. That attribute of yours will serve you well I am sure. I think, with you, I was always trying to be older than what I was and my childish behaviour kept getting exposed like it did today. And that never made me good enough for you.
You say everything happens for a reason. I agree with you. You taught me this sweet Neha. I think I served a purpose in your life and you did in mine. If nothing else, we were with each other when we had no one else and maybe we contributed in each other’s life as a positive influence. I know you feel alone sometimes and that’s the only thing which makes you miserable and it should stop and it will and you’ll never look back.
This letter also helped me. Maybe I needed a proper closure too like you had in your last mail to me and every mail and text I sent to you after that, asking you to talk to me and come back to me just made things more difficult and complicated for me.
Goodbye (I feel bad for disturbing you tonight when you should have been sleeping. But I know you’ll forgive me. Sorry if your head hurts at work tomorrow. I will not disturb you again).
Have the best life.
Love and regards. Parth
PS: I think you were at the lowest point of your life when we started to talk. My purpose in your life was temporary just to make you feel better I think. And please don’t worry about everything so much when I’m not with you. All shall be well. Take care.”
After Parth stopped typing, he waited for a few seconds to decide if the mail really was to be sent. Finally mustering enough courage, he hit the ‘send’ button and closed his eyes. It was almost morning. The soothing morning breeze of September and the melodious chirping of the birds were not comforting him. All he really wanted was complete silence and prolonged darkness of the night. He was not seeking death for himself but he wanted to shut down his mind and not think till he can control his mind again. He wanted to be what he was before everything started to fall apart. He lied down on his bed, uttering to himself, “There should be a fucking switch off button for feelings and thoughts.” After a few minutes, darkness and silence, as he had wanted, followed, and he was fast asleep.
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